Church Pirates


Back in the days of Blackbeard, Calico Jack and Stede Bonnet it was considered the “Golden Age of Piracy”. Pirates would attack ships in the Caribbean, take them over and plunder them. Those days are long gone but the idea of piracy is still in practice today. Church Pirates are more common than anyone thinks. And while most are not hopping around on peg legs there are some characters who show up in churches that probably would fit well on a pirate ship. Church Pirates are people who come in a church and try and take over and force their beliefs on everyone, undermining the captain (aka pastor), and all of the Biblical order of a church. They could do it over a short period of time or they can try and commandeer the pulpit on their first visit. No church is safe from church pirates, OBCC has had many yet is still smoothly sailing thanks to the Holy Ghost making them “walk the plank” right on out.

Church Pirates do not arrive at the church to be humble and submit to the Biblical leadership appointed by God. They do not arrive and sit quietly in services for a while and see where they could eventually serve and help out. A Church Pirate expects the red carpet rolled out for them and loves to go right up front. They will be happy to be asked to come and preach from the pulpit or lead Bible study but most of the time will never donate any tithes or treasure and have no interest in the hard work that the members do to keep the church afloat. They are there to take over the ship from the pulpit right away and if it is not available they will not be found, Jesus warns us of these people:

“5 But all their works they do for to be seen of men: they make broad their phylacteries, and enlarge the borders of their garments, 6 And love the uppermost rooms at feasts, and the chief seats in the synagogues, 7 And greetings in the markets, and to be called of men, Rabbi, Rabbi.” Matthew 23:5-7

A Church Pirate believes they are sent to correct a pastor and enlighten a church because according to them no one is as anointed or well learned as them. Church Pirates do not necessarily always have false doctrine, sometimes they are just out of order prideful people who believe they are the most anointed person on earth. A Church Pirate can almost never call a pastor by his title “pastor” and will often use his first name only because it is very hard for the Church Pirate to recognize authority and show respect, just like the pirates of the past. This is of course a very prideful attitude and God does not send everyone who believes they are sent to teach or preach to the world:

“I have not sent these prophets, yet they ran: I have not spoken to them, yet they prophesied.” Jeremiah 23:21

Church Pirates in some cases will boast about and flaunt their theology degrees as if that makes them qualified to take over the ship. They will see a pastor who the Holy Ghost appointed and look past that and assume they are not as qualified since they do not have a theology degree. They feel entitled to that pastor’s pulpit and are ready to commandeer at a moment’s notice, but the Bible says:

“And if any man think that he knoweth any thing, he knoweth nothing yet as he ought to know.” 1 Corinthians 8:2

Church Pirates, like real pirates, are in it to steal what someone else has built with God. They do not want to put in the work, the tears, the stress, the logistics, they just want to hop on the ship and plunder the treasure, get attention, make a name for themselves, steal members and cause anguish. If a church pirate does not succeed in taking over the church then he is very likely to try to steal and plunder members out of the church by inviting them to another church that teaches the same nonsense that he believes in. Usually the church pirate will hang out after service and have subtle conversations and start out by inviting members to his “Bible study” to attempt to get them under his tutelage and start the stealing process.

“Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with [his] hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth.” Ephesians 4:28

Church Pirates have all kinds of false doctrine from their lack of Holy Ghost like real pirates had scurvy from their lack of Vitamin C. They will come into a Holy Ghost filled church and push “once saved always saved”, Calvinism, speaking in tongues to be saved, hyper-dispensationalism, Original Sin, catholicism, men must have a beard, and all kinds of other doctrines of devils. They do this to cause division, confuse the newer believers and time vampire in their attempt to “sink the ship”.

“17 Now I beseech you, brethren, mark them which cause divisions and offences contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; and avoid them. 18 For they that are such serve not our Lord Jesus Christ, but their own belly; and by good words and fair speeches deceive the hearts of the simple.” Romans 16:17-18

The pastor who is lead by Jesus is the captain of the ship. The captain needs a crew who supports him, prays for him and helps him fight off the Church Pirates so they are stopped before they can even get started. So watch out for Church Pirates like Captain Long John Calvin and his crew of No Free Will Bill, Mandatory Beard, Once Saved Dave, One-Eye Theology Degree McGee, Hebrew Roots Boots,  Original Sinbad, Stormin’ Mormon and many others! Stopping a Church Pirate on the first attack will save a lot of trouble down the road!

© Strongsville Christian Church 2019